What makes love last

I plan to buy a copy for each of my kids as they start looking for life partners; it is that great. Search for:. What Makes Love Last? View 1 comment. I think Dr. Gottman is a genius in communication. I really learned a lot from this book and have been practicing my listening techniques on everyone in my life. I gave this book 4 stars because I felt the beginning and end were not useful but necessary. The middle chapters of the book are so informative and very helpful.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this book even though it was for homework. Aug 08, Misty Galbraith rated it really liked it Shelves: sex-educator. Great for long-term, monogamous, heterosexual married couples who want to find ways to enhance their relationship.

Extremely binary and conservatively biased, but great for religious folks or those with traditional values looking for more happiness in their marriage. A lot of good examples of specific exercises to open up communication and examine what trust looks like in your relationship. I feel like your relationship would have to be pretty healthy to survive some of those conversations! Or perhaps on its last leg and you are desperately trying to salvage your marriage.

Gottman really does believe in the power to save a marriage that seems beyond hope, if both partners are willing to try. But I like the included examples of conversations between couples that he uses as both good and bad examples of the principles he is teaching. He also had some good advice of how to avoid pitfalls when seeking marriage advice from clergy, which I found very wise. You can disagree with a colleague without ridiculing their theories as unsupported non-sense.

He was super unprofessional about his treatment of her theories and that really bugged me. It made the book seem like a talk show segment rather than a scientific study. Finally, If your gender or sexual interests or preferences extend anywhere outside a traditional values box, this is NOT the book for you.

Aug 13, Betty rated it it was amazing. This book is very engaging. I especially enjoyed the chapters were he discusses cheating and healing from cheating.

I'd never really had any understanding for the cheater, but he makes it understandable. I finally had some inkling why someone might cheat. Strangely as I read this I was sure that I had read another book perhaps about the same subject or by the same author.

This enhanced the experience rather than distracting from it. Nov 25, Tomas Adams rated it it was amazing. A great book that gives a lot of insight's to relationships and tips for how to make a relationship work.

Jul 12, Melissa Lee-Tammeus rated it really liked it Shelves: borrowed. Borrowed this from a friend and colleague to save myself a couple bucks and loved it so much, went ahead and ordered my own copy. If you are interested in making your relationship the best it can be or work with couples in any therapy setting, I think this book needs to be part of your library.

The Gottmans are truly the experts in this field and much of their expertise comes from scientific studies, which definitely makes this book much more appealing than your run of the mill self help book, w Borrowed this from a friend and colleague to save myself a couple bucks and loved it so much, went ahead and ordered my own copy. The Gottmans are truly the experts in this field and much of their expertise comes from scientific studies, which definitely makes this book much more appealing than your run of the mill self help book, which I tend to cringe at most times.

What makes this book extra special is the added assessments much more intense then any Cosmo love quiz you'll find and I found myself employing my husband to do many of them along with me, as well as copying them to use with my own clients. Another great thing about this book is, although the Gottmans are pretty much the smartest people in this field, the book does not go over one's head with ridiculous jargon and it does not talk to the reader is if he or she is a moron, either.

The appendix is a bit rough, as John Gottman loves to take the mathematical route with game theory - he definitely lost me there - but for the assessments alone, it is worth the extra read. I have had the pleasure of being trained by the Gottmans in person and I think this book lives up to the hype that is them. Oct 20, Kathleen rated it liked it. John Gottman's books are all good -- and they all say essentially the same things, although there are now nearly a dozen of them.

He offers insights from his work videotaping couples, work that does a remarkable job in predicting which marriages will last based on how people treat each other. I read his books less out of concern about my own marriage than the fun of scoring high on women's magazine-style but deeper "quizzes" and as a reminder of how to behave. I would highly recommend his work John Gottman's books are all good -- and they all say essentially the same things, although there are now nearly a dozen of them.

I would highly recommend his work, particularly to those who have concerns about the future of their union, but also to those who are just curious about "the science" of long-term relationships. Mar 08, Linda rated it liked it. Lots of quizzes--I preferred the personal examples. Feb 18, Romans Karpelcevs rated it it was amazing Shelves: non-fiction. I was afraid this would be an empty book of "just put yourself out there" and "love is sacrifice". I was totally wrong. This is an amazing book on relationships and what and why is needed for them to succeed.

Nov 17, Liz Berning rated it really liked it. I had to read this book for my Developmental Psychology class. When I saw this book on the list of textbooks that I had to buy, I was quite excited to read it. The topic in general is very interesting, so the book was an easy read. There are lots of fun quizzes throughout the book as well to put your own relationship to the test. While the material was interesting and helpful, it was definitely geared towards an older audience.

Nonetheless, it provided great tips on communication and relationshi I had to read this book for my Developmental Psychology class. Nonetheless, it provided great tips on communication and relationship building skills. Highly recommend! Jan 26, Othman rated it really liked it Shelves: relationships. I read this after a breakup, so Maybe I can apply it next time I'm in a long-term relationship. Jan 26, Calvin Isch rated it liked it. Jul 20, andrew y rated it really liked it. Sometimes romance is not science.

Also this book is more about the downswings of relationships than the upswings. However it kindled many meaningful conversations with my partner and very likely will inspire more. It is quite simply, the best book I have ever read on relationships.

This is the first book of John Gottman that I've read and it turned me into a rabid fan. Unfortunately, no other books of his that I've read after, felt as good as this one.

The fact that I keep reading and reading his work, is a testament to how good this first book is, that I just felt like I was addicted to his work. It's chock-full of insights, from the first chapter to the last chapter. The title talks about how to make lo It is quite simply, the best book I have ever read on relationships. The title talks about how to make love lasts, how to build trust and avoid betrayal, but I felt like I have just finished a masterclass on the theory of relationships.

I guess, that makes up really a huge chunk of relationships, that trust thing. It's where it starts and also where it could end, if you are not careful. I had like almost zero experience with men when I read this book, and it's like my eyes were newly opened afterwards. So many things I couldn't have known otherwise that is explained with such clarity and in compelling details by Gottman. I am so glad I picked this book up. That sense of trust, of security, of reassurance that was so profoundly needed by everyone in a relationship, that was what conveyed in the terms "sakinah, mawaddah, warahmah" the three foundations of Islamic marriage principles, and he basically just explained how to build and maintain those three things in our romantic relationships.

This is a book that I will always keep as a reference, to be read again at different points in life, and certainly when I am about to get married, sometimes in the future!

This book definitely had some good things to say about how couples develop trust, how to prevent betrayal and infidelity, how to repair breaches in trust when they have been created, how to strengthen communication and bonds of intimacy and love in marriage, and many other things based on the research and clinical experience of John Gottman and his associates.

There are definitely some worthwhile insights into this book. The chapters talking about conflict and divorce painted kind of a discourag This book definitely had some good things to say about how couples develop trust, how to prevent betrayal and infidelity, how to repair breaches in trust when they have been created, how to strengthen communication and bonds of intimacy and love in marriage, and many other things based on the research and clinical experience of John Gottman and his associates.

The chapters talking about conflict and divorce painted kind of a discouraging portrait of marriage and conflict and betrayal in relationships, but the final chapters offer a more hopeful and optimistic message about the benefits of marriage and ways couples can succeed.

I definitely learned some worthwhile things from this book and it was a valuable contribution to my self-education on marriage and relationships.

Apr 27, Candace rated it really liked it. John Gottman is a research psychologist who has spent the past 4 decades studying couples' interactions. Amazingly, after listening to a husband and wife interact, he can predict with great accuracy as to whether they will stay married.

Based on the results of his scientific research, in this book, Gottman offers tools and techniques you can use to repair and deepen your relationship with your partner. Familiar with Gottman's work, I was thrilled to recently find that he published a book deta Dr. Familiar with Gottman's work, I was thrilled to recently find that he published a book detailing some of his findings from his Love Lab. Although I have a very strong relationship with my partner, I still benefited from this book.

Whether you are in a high-trust relationship or a rocky one, I highly recommend this book! Sep 17, Dr. Lloyd E. Campbell rated it it was amazing. Fantastic book. I believe love is God. Trust paves the road to love. Here is the road map for building trust and living in love.

Jan 26, Andrea Nair rated it really liked it Shelves: parenting-books-i-recommend. This book is not only beneficial for couples, but also for parents. I found the language Gottman uses to describe communication challenges is helpful for a parent to teach to their child. Incredible how-to guide In maintaining, and ultimately repairing a committed relationship when needed!

I have found this book to be the most easy to understand and practical guide available without going to therapy! May 26, Trina Surratt rated it liked it. Good, but if you've read other Gottman books, there is nothing too new here. Jul 16, YHC rated it really liked it. I notice one thing that for the couple, sex seems to become a bit hard to speak out. Unhappy sexual life, unable to share their care toward each, little subtle supports are still needed between couples.

I don't know if we need to admit the fact that staying with the same person all their rest i finished reading through this book just within 5 hours, all a once, and noticing I could actually also learn to observe the couples among my friends, who are actually seemingly in a stressful relationship.

I don't know if we need to admit the fact that staying with the same person all their rest of life through the form of marriage is actually fit to human nature or not. I personally think it's getting harder and harder with all the social media.

An expert of marriage in Taiwan said : Having extramarital affairs are as common as got kick in a crammed subway, In nowadays society, asking for total loyalty seems to be the hardest thing. But i appreciate the methods mentioned in this book, and i totally agree that your other half is the best choice if he or she is your best friend.

If you always like to talk to that person, want to share whatever to that person, then, the chances to fix broken hearts get higher. Love is complicated, we can not generalize the troubled marriage.

At least, trying to step back and show the sincerity to communicate with each other is the first step. Otherwise, we just need to move on and start over the life elsewhere. Looking back to their past not in a negative way, try to find the great moments of their memories. Those troubled couples usually remember the negative moments between, can't let go, and complain, compare about with others.

Oct 03, Justin rated it it was ok. I found the studies and observations to be interesting as well. The book has great information for those that are painfully unaware of how to make a relationship last but seemed to be pretty basic information to me.

I don't think that I was the target demographic for this book. The main thing that I took away from this book is that the best way to make a relationship last is just to make it not fail. Overal 2. Overall, full of great information for those who have no idea of where to begin to fix their failing relationship. The capacity to express some amount of positivity during conflict is a good indicator of relationship success. Remain neutral in arguments and don't get emotional.

Do not avoid conversations because they will start an argument; this decreases trust. Many issues arise because people do not commit to each other; they think they still have a way out and they can do better. People cheat because they don't share how they feel and they make negative comparisons about their partners. Cheater's usually feel betrayed ironically. Couples should talk about life goals with one another frequently.

No one should be superior or inferior in a relationship. Responsibilities should be shared and split evenly. When one is sad, do not dismiss their emotions, instead, be empathetic. Your job is not to be the voice of reason, but to show the other person that you are with them. Do not begin compromising until each person's position and feelings are understood. During arguments, talk about how you feel, not about what the other person did. What Makes Love Last?

This podcast gets very personal, very fast. What do you do when you have Dr. John Gottman and Dr. They have 40 years of breakthrough research on marital stability and divorce prediction, and they connect that data to practical teachings about conflict resolution and creating connection. They demonstrate how science can help people have successful loving relationships. The work is incredible. We talk about the toll the pandemic has taken on couples, we talk about their research, and we talk about very practical shifts that can help us take care of each other.

This is one hell of a conversation. BB: Dr. John Gottman, world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, has conducted over 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples.

Julie Gottman is a highly respected clinical psychologist whose expertise on marriage, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues is highly sought after around the world. She is the co-creator of the immensely popular the Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples and co-designer of the national clinical training program in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Together, John and Julie co-founded the Gottman Institute, an internationally renowned organization dedicated to combining wisdom from research and practice to support and strengthen marriages and relationships by offering workshops and resources for couples, families, and professionals. They recently, and this is really interesting to me—they recently co-founded Affective Software, with the goal of delivering proven relationship couples assessment methods and interventions to the broadest reach of people across race, religion, class, culture, sexual orientation, and ethnicity.

The Drs. This is a big episode. And we only have one cerebral cortex between the two of us, so I have half, he has half. Tell me your love story.

Yes, tell me how, where, when you met. I want to know your love story. I had just finished my Ph. I was divorced for about six years. And so kept going north to Seattle. So I made a couple of friends at work, working as a therapist, and then I was walking into a coffee house about six months later and there was this cool guy that looked like a Bolshevik, which to this Jewish heart is like love at first sight.

Julie Gottman: And I was stunned with love. BB: OK. I have goose bumps, first of all, and I totally have those visions, and I believe in them. John Gottman: Well, my story is that I was starting a job as a professor at the University of Washington, and school started in October, so I arrived in Seattle in May.

John Gottman: I answered every ad. So Julie was number 61, and when I met her—and it was very clear from our first conversation that she was a real outlier for me. She was really very, very different. She was easy to talk to. She was beautiful to me, to my eyes, has always been. And from the first date in a place called the Pony Expresso.

Do you agree to see each other again? John Gottman: Yes. Yeah, she walked me to my car, and she said that seeing my car was the first time she really felt the pangs of love.

Julie Gottman: [ Laughter ] So can I tell you about his car? His car is the greatest car. So his car was voted the ugliest car in the University of Washington faculty parking lot, which is really a large place.

And I totally loved it. It was—. Julie Gottman: I called it Bondo. I lived in California. Nothing rusts over here. It just gets moldy. And so John in Illinois had had this red—what was it? Julie Gottman: It was a red Dodge. It was really old. It had a Naugahyde bench front seat. Well, the car never got painted, so—. Julie Gottman: So it looked like a pinto car. You know what a pinto is?

BB: Why get rid of it? Yeah, because I can see the whole story now, because you salt the snow, the salt gets in the car, it rusts the car, you put the Bondo on—I totally get it. Julie Gottman: Right. And wait, you have to hear the proposal. The proposal was perfect. So I knew by then, five months later, what John did. Is this like a research question? Is he asking me about something having to do with his work?

What is this? That was the end. I love this. Tell me, John, what you were thinking of when you framed it that way? It was just a moment of terror. That is just the best story. BB: Was it a slow evolution? Like how did that happen? There was a gravitational pull. How about if we use all your research to help people? You know what successful couples do. You know what mistakes couples make. So maybe we can help change marriages from disasters to masters.

And then John also had been invited—was that to the University of Chicago? Julie Gottman: Oh, to Northwestern. So it was a natural. And her experience as a clinician was essential in everything we built, because I was really reluctant to try to help couples because Bob Levenson and I—and Bob and I had done all this research together for 25 years. John Gottman: So it started with a bromance and then continued adding this romance. And in going back to the lab and checking things out and creating a theory that was testable and disconfirmable, where we could measure everything in our theory and try to help therapists be able to measure everything in their offices, to evaluate the strengths and challenges any couple has.

Julie Gottman: So what we did is we worked on interventions together, after creating the theory, and then John would go and test the interventions. We had to make sure that what we were offering to couples made sense, but one of the reasons we knew it probably would make sense, these interventions would work, is that they were not based on John and me.

They were based on the thousands of couples that had gone through the lab and had with their great generosity and heart shown us what they did year after year after year to sustain their relationships. Then we joined with a woman that we met, named Etana Kunovsky, and Etana was a brilliant, wonderful partner who helped establish our program development.

And then we developed a clinical training program. That took off. Etana helped us expand from the ground up, to really build the institute. Julie Gottman: He built the staff to about 35 people, and we basically stepped back, showed up when and where they told us to show up, gave little talks and trainings and things, and the rest is history. And actually, oh my God, Etana planted her foot in my back, because I had total fear of speaking in public.

So she pushed me literally out onto the stage in order to talk. How does this fit with any dream that you ever had for your work? John Gottman: Well, this really is my dream, that science can really help people to understand how to have a loving relationship, because we know that from a lot of empirical research that having a successful, loving relationship confers 15 years longer of life.

It confers health, resilience, and children thrive within that loving relationship. And to create the interventions really required not just the research but the intuition of a clinician who really understood the kind of pain that people are in and could help them with all kinds of other things that they brought into a relationship, the trauma of childhood that they endured, and made this really work.

It was really the combination of a scientist and a clinician that made this work. BB: You can feel the heart prints and fingerprints of research and clinical work all over everything you do. I want to get into some specifics. I want to talk about Eight Dates. What are you seeing in the pandemic, the overdue reckoning around racial inequality, everything coming to a head—what toll, or if any, do you see this taking on couples? We are seeing terrible stress between people.

We are seeing relationships that may have functioned fairly well because both individuals were really involved in the world in their own separate ways. And sometimes in certain places that space is one room, if they just have a studio apartment.

Not everybody can afford a house, etcetera. So people are losing jobs. People are losing people. So we are seeing more domestic violence, much more domestic violence.

Julie Gottman: Much more hostility. We are seeing much more criticism. And as a result, the tension, the distance for many couples, is growing by leaps and bounds. I want to see if we can talk about the Four Horsemen and their antidotes in a context of the pandemic. Talk to me about how these four danger areas—what would you call them? Like four—. John Gottman: Almost like fault lines that are there for a potential earthquake.

So the pandemic would be like an earthquake, and the Four Horsemen are the fault lines that lie under the surface. BB: Beautiful, beautiful. So criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, these are big flags for you, right? For both of you. John Gottman: Where relationship science is the weakest is in trying to predict whether two strangers will like each other and hit it off.

Nothing works, but we do know that people are not looking for their clone. Similarity is not the basis of attraction. So we want something really interesting and different from who we are, and the real problem that people get into when they form a relationship is then trying to turn that other person into them and—.

John Gottman: And so criticism is what emerges. Tell me more about how I can change to make you happy. Would you please clean it up? It sounds like jargon. It sounds phony. But it only sounds that way when you first begin to do it. It takes practice and repetition, like 10, times, right, for something to feel natural. About what? Describe the situation, not the character flaw of your partner.

About a dent in the car, about the bills not being paid, about the kitchen a mess, about the dog not being walked—you describe the situation and then say a positive need. What you do want in order for your partner to shine for you. John Gottman: But all of that takes place within the context of shared humor, accepting your partner as they are, reassuring them that everything is OK.

They built a life together that has meaning and purpose and adventure and play, and all of these wonderful things. That gentle startup happens within a context of shared humor, of being able to laugh at yourself, of affection, friendship, and love, and having built a life together that has purpose and meaning, and with playing and adventure and all kinds of wonderful things sustained in the relationship.

It works within the context of the fact that this couple has not ignored the relationship. They stay friends. They keep playing together. They keep having adventure or learning together. BB: God, that makes sense. The foundation is deep friendship and appreciation for each other. I have to tell you that I am so stuck on this moment.

For example, one of the things that we really saw in the master couples, too, is that they asked each other open-ended questions all the time. And what that means is people knowing each other at a soul-deep level, at a heart-deep level.

And in order to know one another as human beings who are flawed, imperfect, selfish sometimes, greedy sometimes, inconsiderate, thoughtless, whatever—all those self-criticisms we give ourselves, right? Well, all of that is part of being human. And we need to feel accepted as human beings by our partner. Julie Gottman: And cherished. What was going on for you?